Job Search

October 25, 2004

Since graduating from college in June, I have been looking for a job. In other words, emailing my resume into the dark void of cyberspace between games of minesweeper while eating potato chips in my bathrobe and slippers. In part I blame myself. I majored in linguistics, which, unless you want to continue to grad school and spend your summers with Dr. Joe in a remote African village cataloguing fifty ways to say ‘we’re having dung beetles for dinner again tonight’ in clicks, does not present a lot of job opportunities.

And in part I blame society for not recognizing and exploiting my usefulness in the private sector. Kudos, though, to the armed forces who saw right away my value and potential as target practice for opposing armies even before I finished high school. I’m not saying I haven’t considered becoming an army of one, I most certainly have, it’s just that I’m a picky eater and I’ve heard they frown on that in the front lines. Plus, the fact remains that although I’d like to be all I can be, I’d like to do it after my morning latte and still be home in time to see how many fish Rupert catches this week on Survivor.

With my skills and qualifications, my phone should be ringing off the hook with job offers in middle management, enigmatic cubicle work, and government offices. So far, I’ve only had one interview. I met with a dentist to discuss my qualifications for answering phones and making patients in the waiting room feel safe over the screams and cries of her other victims. She asked such hard hitting interview questions as ‘when did you go to the dentist last?’ And ‘what kind of experiences have you had with dentists?’ Although I tried to flatter her with my admission that she was the first dentist I had met that I hadn’t bitten, thrown up on or spit all over, she ultimately decided on another candidate.

One of the worst things about not being able to find a job is that everywhere you go you encounter people who have them. I’ve tried to look at these people as potential suggestions for jobs I could try to get. For instance, when I go up the street to get a cup of coffee I think ‘hey, _I_ could charge people five dollars for a grande low fat mocha even though they ordered a soy latte.’ And when I go out to eat I think ‘hey, I could bring people cold french fries and not refill their drinks! Why don’t _I_ have this job?’ When I called customer service after receiving an error on a job application website, I thought ‘yeah, I don’t know how this program works either! Are you hiring?’

I do have some advice for my fellow job seekers though. I’ve been searching through job descriptions in online databases, company websites, and newspaper classifieds. From what I’ve seen, there are 3 types of ads the job searcher has to sort through. First, is the ‘make $1000/week from your living room’ ad. This sort of ad promises you that by simply stuffing envelopes in the comfort of your own home, you can achieve the financial freedom you’ve always dreamed of – if that financial freedom includes cutting coupons to use as toilet paper. Avoid these ads unless your spouse is making enough money to support you through your midlife crisis.

The second type of ad will have a title such as ‘customer development and manufacturing specialist position available in the food and hospitality industry’. The job qualifications include things like ‘excellent oral and written communication skills, sincere interest in the food and hospitality industry, motivated self-starter and team player, experience in financial development and marketing preferred.’ If you take the bait and click on the link to submit your resume online, you will spend the next four hours navigating through an online application for a position flipping burgers at a fast food chain.

The third ad you’ll encounter is listed under the heading ‘wdm seeking sexy sf 20s n/s height weight proportionate for friendship and more?’ This ad is misplaced and it would be unwise to contact the employer for salary information.

You have no chance at getting any of these positions. Your best bet is to encourage your friends to find success in their jobs so that they can be promoted to a position where they are in charge of hiring. Looking around at your friends, this may seem unlikely to happen. You might want to meet new people. Try placing an ad such as the third example above.